The feeling that most describes my being lost was being paralyzed. Those who have been in abusive relationships will recognize this feeling. While there can be such an obvious situation of physical, emotional and yes even verbal abuse, we "feel" that we must stay.
"I am unloveable if I leave", "I am not safe", "I have't learnt the life lesson yet", "what if I disappoint or let them down" or "I can't afford to leave". I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way and the reality is, you are unloveable staying here because darling your heart is locked up like fort knocks and you know, maybe the lesson isn't about learning how to stay in this, maybe the lesson is to honour that heart of yours and having the kahoots to defend yourself and LEAVE!
What if you fall?
What if you FLY?
So here are the top 3 ways that I lost and then found myself during some of my most abusive relationships.
I've stayed far too many times in my life. In fact its been the WORST fucking thing I've done to myself. Stayed in the room while I was being verbally abused, stayed in the relationship while I was being physically bruised and stayed in the dysfunctional job setting because I thought I "hadn't learnt the lesson yet". For what ever reason you think you must stay, I'm telling you it is OKAY to GO! In fact you MUST go! Yes there are times where people, places and situations are put into your life as opportunities for you to learn and grow, however this is not to be confused with when we must RISE UP, protect ourselves and leave! I mean think about it, if someone is punching you, do you sit there and let it happen? In most cases, no, you would try to get away or try to create distance and this is why it is just as ok and just as important to leave when it is verbal abuse. If you wouldn't sit there and be physically abused, why would you for verbal abuse? So leave the room, leave the job and leave the relationships that are not serving you whether physical or verbal.
Note: If you or someone you know are in an abusive relationship, there are people, places and resources to help you RISE UP and get healthy. Please tap into these resources. You are not alone!
Ignoring my intuition:
The telephone rings and you intuitively know who it is before answering. Our intuition often shows up this way, as a fleeting insight we right off or dismiss as a coincidence or our imagination.
I can tell you distinct moments in my life that my intuition was SCREAMING THE ANSWER AT ME and fear convinced me to ignore every second of it, so I did.
FEAR! False Evidence Appearing Real! The story of my life in EVERY situation that I have dishonoured and lost myself in.
This came at a cost, because I lost who I was. I became so busy at creating small parts of me that could be on the defence and adapt in challenging situations that I lost my true authentic self. The longer you stay off course, the more you begin to loose you and create fragmented pieces of you that are just trying to survive. The more you loose yourself, the more you will have to invest in not only finding the right path again, but finding YOU.
Try practicing listening to your intuition. While driving home, get out of being a robot, taking the same old streets every day and feel where which way your intuition would like to take you home. Seems silly, but I've been down some interesting side roads and seen some amazing things, just by taking the path less traveled.
Engaging In The War:
My dad always told me as a kid, you may have won the battle, but you didn't win the war. I hated hearing this, I was still trying to win all the battles playing a balancing act like an octopus on wheels and each tentacle was one of my fragile emotions. I now understand his wisdom.
Every time I engaged in my anger over a situation as if to armer up and set out to win the battle, before I knew it I was screaming as if speaking would not allow my hurt soul to be heard. This repeated engagement of anger was not only acidifying for my body, but it also did a toll on my liver (the site of suppressed anger)! You cannot heal engaging in any battle, you simply are chipping away pieces of you.
I know what you might be thinking, if I "let it go", if I don't say anything, then I am condoning their behaviour, and quite frankly their behaviour is unacceptable! Right? In reality, not engaging in the battle is really just a wiser way of saying, I choose not to loose anymore of myself in this anger. I truly had to learn that I could protect myself without anger and that this "defense mechanism" was really just hurting myself. So I laid down my weapons and became wiser, I encourage you to do the same.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls"